A collection of quotes from that frightfully amusing TV-series "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". Read'm and weep - for laughter that is.
Buffy: "Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line, battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, ok? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest; you can go hmm". Giles: "Hmm". "Cool, crossbow, check out these babies. Goodbye stakes! Helloooo flying fatality". "If you're so amped about hell, why don't you go there?" "I know this one. Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah, I'm so stuffy give me a scone." Spike: "Who the hell is this?" Buffy: "It's your lucky day, Spike..." Kendra: "Two slayers..." Buffy: "No waiting..." "I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you". Ben: "We had Algebra II together last year." Buffy: "Sorry. I pretty much repress anything math related." "Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good".
Cordelia: "Xander?" Xander: "Yeah" Cordelia: "Stay away from me" "Oh, Buffy, it's like we're sisters! With really different hair". "How 'bout because you're a tiny, impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu". "Gee, Xander, and what are you gonna' to teach when you fail in life? Advanced loser being?" "It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon". "I think I've lost all will to cheerlead". "Go ahead, say it. You ran like a woman". "Hey, if Sunnydale High School shuts down forever, do we automatically graduate?" "Oh, eww! Ohh, you should see this thing. The way it does its thing, I mean, eww! Why do I let you guys drag me into this stuff?" "We're all concerned about how gross you look". "You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does, just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are, 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I want to do, and I wear what I want to wear, and you know what? I date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is". "And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend!" "Who died and made you Elvis?" "Are you going, like, Stalker Boy on me now?" "Hey! I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden, these trendoids everywhere started sporting it, so I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, 'Hey! I'm the one who started this nationwide craze. What am I ashamed of?" "I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face". "Why does eveyone always yell my name? I'm not deaf and I can take a hint .... What's the hint?" "And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible". "Whatever is causing the Joan Collins attitude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it". "Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in the popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say". "I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher everyday just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side". "God! What is your childhood trauma?" "Iím gonnaí be in therapy Ďtil Iím thirty". "Youíll go to college some day, Xander. I just know your pizza delivery career will take you so many exciting places". "There are books on computers? Isnít the point of computers to replace books?" "This whole student exchange thing has been a nightmare. They donít even speak American". "Ouch!!! Please get your extreme oafishness off my $200 shoes". "Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a yearís supply of acne cream? A brain". "Why do we have to devise these programs; isn't that what nerds are for?" "Excuse me-but who gave you permision to exist?" "I have all these thoughts,and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other". "You were popular? In what alternate universe?" Giles: "You know, I donít recall ever seeing you here before". Cordelia: "Oh, no. I have a life". "Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day". Cordelia: "You guys get your scores?" Xander: "Cordelia. Willow was very sad by her academic failure. How did you do? This is not good". Cordelia: "What's not good?" Xander: "Well, I'm just worried that it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out that I'm dating a brain". Cordelia: "Please, I have some experience in covering these things up".
"Oh, look at my mask, isn't it pretty. It raises the dead. Bloody Americans". "Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons". "I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. In fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate. You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong". "A vampire in love with a slayer... It's rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way".
Willow: "Okay, I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah, 1-800-I'm -dating-a-skanky-ho" Buffy: "Meow!" Willow: "Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a meow before". Buffy: "Well deserved". Willow: "Darn tootin'". Kendra: "The Slayer Handbook insists on it." Buffy: "Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?" Willow: "Is there a T-shirt too? 'Cause that would be cool". "Don't forget, your supposed to be a meak little girlygirl like the rest of us". Oz: "Do you often steal weapons from the military base?" Willow: "Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun".
Ms. Calendar: "Cordelia's going to meet us". Xander: "Ooh gang, you here that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia, mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever". Xander: "You were looking at my neck". Angel: "What?" Xander: "You were checking out my neck, I saw that." Angel: "No I wasn't". Xander: "Just keep your distance, pal". Angel: "I wasn't looking at your neck". Xander: "I told you to eat before we left". "Hey, larvae boy! Yeah, I'm talking to you, ya big cootie!" "I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away". Xander: "Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with dead boy on this one". Angel: "Would you not call me that?" "Oh please forgive me your swim teamliness". "I do not babble. I occationally run on, every now and then I yammer". "To read makes our speaking English good". "On a scale of one to ten? It sucked". "I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever". "Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!" "I sometimes like things that are not good for me". "I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this". Xander: "I kind of had a problem with the math". Willow: "Which part?" Xander: "The math". "Whoa, let's stop this crazy whirlygig of fun. I'm dizzy". "First, the dummy says he's a demon hunter. Then the dummy disappears, and now we've got this brain. Does anyone else feel like they've been Kaiser Soce'd here?" "Angel, Angel, Angel - why does every conversation we have have to end up on that freak?" (Looking up at Angel) "Hey, how's it going?" "You know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms". Xander: "Hello! Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knockin'?" Jonathan: "We're supposed to get some books...on Stalin." Xander: "Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?" Giles: "This is a school library, Xander." Xander: "Since when?" Giles: "He's just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to-to goad you into, uh, some mishap or some other sorts." Xander: "The nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah approach to battle". Giles: "Yes, Xander. Once more you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form". Xander: "Hey, how come Buffy doesn't get a snotty 'once again you boil it down to the simplest form' thing?" Giles: "..." Xander: "Watcher's pet". Xander: "Well, good morning, ladies! And what did you two do last night?" Willow: "We had kind of a pajama party sleepover with weapons thing". Xander: "Oh, I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment?"
"So, who do you kill for fun around here?" "You were there? Please... if every vampire who said he was at the crucifiction was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move". "It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell all my friends. None of them have a rock this big". "Someone wasn't worthy". Joyce: "Do I know you?" Spike: "Yeah, you hit me in the head with an axe, remember, 'Get the Hell away from my daughter' ...". Joyce: "Oh. *long pause* So, do you live around here?"